Tastes Like Chicken

Saturday, May 25, 2002
_How to get laid in Japan
Step by step, starting with the ever helpful "Be White."
There you have it- an easy, simple guide to having sex in Japan. I guarantee that any guy can do this, if he follows step 1, because I have seen it done by some of the most inept quasimodos the world has produced. Of course, when the morning comes, you'll feel empty and regretful and you'll never want to see the girl again, but if you haven't learned that by your age, I'm not going to make a point out of it.
for nisa, who, despite being a delicate flower of femininity, apparently will have to bring her own supply of deodorant.

Thursday, May 23, 2002

_An apple a day kept sobriety away.
John Chapman, the eccentric salesman known as Johnny Appleseed, who travelled America in the early 19th century selling farmers the seeds for their orchards, he sees as "the American Dionysus"; his apples were mostly grown to make alcohol. "An Apple A Day Keeps the Doctor Away" was a slogan coined by the apple growers who feared the temperance movement would ruin their business.
Oh, the things they neglect to mention in school. Luckily we have this piece, a review of The Botany of Desire, which also tells us that "Indifference to flowers is a well-established sign of clinical depression." How about kittens?

_Spit or Swallow?
Yeah, it's exactly what you think it is. What, you were expecting surprises from president Bush's alma mater?

_Dolphins' brains sleep one hemisphere at a time
And not only that, but "the hemispheres independently keep track of how much sleep they have lost, and build up separate accounts of their 'sleep debt.'" That bit is from a nifty article about sleep from the Post. A good chunk of it focuses on Randy Gardner, who in 1964 set the world's record for sleeplessness: 11 straight days:
Researchers whisked him away to a sleep lab and hooked EEG monitors to his head. It took him three seconds to fall asleep. He slept for about 14 hours, woke up and said he felt fine.
Well, good for him, but I'm not interested in challenging that record. I likes me my sleep. One of the other topics covered is that modern sleep habits are a deviation from what our bodies are inclined to do on their own.
When Thomas Wehr at the National Institute of Mental Health had 15 people sign up for a month-long experiment, the psychiatrist placed them in the dark for 14 hours a day.

Instead of sleeping in one period during the night, the volunteers began sleeping in two distinct periods.

They would fall asleep around 8 in the evening and wake up around midnight. They would then fall asleep again around 2 a.m. and sleep another four hours.

"Maybe our ancestors used to sleep this way" before artificial light became cheaply available, said Wehr. "If any of us sleeps like this, we would call it a sleep disorder -- but maybe it's normal sleep."

A historian later told Wehr that before artificial light began to "shorten the night," people did indeed sleep in two cycles -- which they sometimes called "first sleep" and "morning sleep." The period in between was called "watch."

Between the sleep periods, Wehr's volunteers were neither anxious nor restless. They were also neither completely awake nor asleep, but in a quiescent period of rest.

The anxiety most people feel about waking up and not being able to go back to sleep in the middle of the night apparently is based on believing that they need to pack all their rest into one seven- to eight-hour burst, said Wehr. He speculated that quiescent rest, which is "extinct" in modern life, may explain why some people may benefit from meditation, a similarly restful state.

I had a buddy who during high school (with a surprising name) would go for two or three weeks at time sleeping only an hour or two each night, and then just sleep for a whole weekend. That can't be good for you.

Final thought: Sleep well and take care of yourself because, as wise man Adam Corolla tells us, "Kids, you need your brain."